Shamed Into The Light
Healing from teen and young adult sexual abuse.
When I was fifteen a predatory family member began an inappropriate sexual relationship with me that lasted well into my late twenties. He was and is a sociopath who preyed on broken, trusting young women. He kept me in his clutches for seven long years.
I was vulnerable to this type of predatory relationship because I was not taught to value myself as a person or a woman. I had a very low self-esteem. I have battled with that demon my entire life. I look so confident on social media, but in truth I have battled with the shame demons for many years.
The religion in which I was raised taught me I was a sinner in need of saving. I was taught I had no worth as a human and was separate from God unless I believed exactly the right things. I was taught I was a filthy human only made worthy of love by God’s grace. If I didn’t say, do and believe the ‘right’ way I was going to straight to hell. In addition I was taught women should be subservient to men. My family was broken and dysfunctional, there was a lot of faking being happy for Jesus and the church while inside the walls of our home everyone's hearts were breaking.
I was shamed and blamed for the abusive relationship in which I was entangled. Many people didn't understand that for me, once that relationship began, I felt so ashamed about it I thought it was my fate to remain with that predator. I thought no-one could ever love me, I felt defiled.
While living with him, I used to lock myself in the bathroom before leaving for classes in the morning, while I was going to university, and pray that God would help me get out of the hell I was in.
I was terrified to leave this predator. I was so brainwashed, I paid his bills while putting myself through school. Even though I appeared strong, healthy and intelligent on the outside, I was entangled in a highly dangerous parasitic relationship with a predator who had my mind completely under his control. I had been abused for so long I literally could not see how I could survive away from this person, even though the living situation was becoming more and more dangerous.
I did finally leave. However I have dealt with the shame of that relationship for years. I have been shamed by family for being in that situation and staying in it for so long. I have been shamed for the tools I used to help heal myself from the relationship, mainly being a new age occultist, liberal, free thinker, dreamer, creator and basically just for being me.
I carried this shame around with me for years. Until one day I woke up! Literally in the middle of the night I woke up and realized, the people who were so adamant to shame me did absolutely nothing to help save me. They were only interested in pointing a finger of blame to make something that terrified them go away.
It horrified them that a young, beautiful, talented promising young women could be so betrayed by her family, community and find herself in such a perverse situation. It terrified them to admit they were too cowardly to do anything about it.
I overwhlemed and frightened them, when I pulled myself out of this situation and began speaking my truth as a woman, believing in myself and healing myself.
They were awestruck when I began to shine my light and find my spiritual power despite the fact they shamed and looked down on me. I shook them with fright to their core when I began to tell them they had God all wrong! The idea that, God loves us, we are made perfect in God, we always exist in God, we can never be damned or separated from and God, really scared them.
Why? Because it means all of the pain in the world, ours and everyone’s else, is everyone’s responsibilities. They didn't want to accept the truth that we only create more pain by pointing a finger of judgement at others and the only way to heal all the darkness in the world is to turn around and face it head on as our own.
I was terrifying, overwhelming, too much light, too much dark, too much of everything for them. I still am. I am overwhelmingly strong, magnificent and too goddamn brilliant for many people to truly see. Guess what? So you are you, when you fully embrace, accept and love yourself unconditionally.
Once I realized the only way to leave those shame demons behind was to fully accept myself, I was free of them. Forever.
I wonder are you like me? Have you ever felt like that no-one in the world could really handle the real you, the full you and total you if you showed everything with no shame?
I think you have felt this way. I think, right now in this blog post, you see me and you know I can see you. You are ready to join me in an unrelenting pursuit of total self-love and acceptance. You, like me understand self-acceptance is the only we can save ourselves and each-other.
I invite you to join me, join my tribe, sing with me, dance with me. Begin opening your magic, own your super-power, shine so bright people have a hard time even holding your gaze.
Good things are coming when you believe in your value, when you believe in your innate magic and goodness despite anything you have done or that has been done to you, incredible, mind blowing things are coming to you, when choose to be joy, to be your magic and to fully embrace yourself.
We will be opening our magic further this week light language and positive affirmation chant, so stay close.
Join me at…
Love- Elizabeth, The Song Healer.